D E C I P H E R M U S I C

This song is especially near and dear to me. I’ve spoken on my mother’s passing in songs before but I really dedicated this entire track to the matter. As corny as it sounds I can express myself better through music than regular speech and that was the case here. I’ve cried enough tears of my own so I needed to bleed through the pen. I could write on and on about the subject because I think about her everyday but I felt like I needed to move on and really pour my heart out on this so I won’t have to linger with the pain as much. It was a very emotional song for me to write and record. You can hear me get choked up and my voice shake at the end of the second verse but I kept that there cause it was genuine and that’s real rap. This past October 24th marked the  5 year anniversary of her passing and I can’t say it gets easier but I do understand it better. This track is also for anyone that’s lost a loved one and can feel the lyrics as I do. I hope you can hear this one, 엄마. Shout out to Jeffry Usi/grrrindin for the upload! Lyrics and live performance clip after the jump.

I swear that I can hear you still talking in my ear
I feel, honestly, kind of awkward you ain’t here
Me and Pa got an apartment, carpeted, but yeah
still ain’t comfortable, really wanted to walk with you in here
want to talk but all the tears got me choked up
so I wrote what one would’ve said
under the bed got the note tucked
seen you in my dreams, Mama sneaking in my dome
Daddy happy, ’til I wake up, see him sleeping all alone
and I ain’t never seen a grown man cry
’til he had to dig a hole for his own damn wife
but you was there looking down on us all
like the rain that came down from the clouds to the soil
now proud to be yours, I respect you cause you done
what nobody would’ve, Mommy took her nephew as her son
loved me as your own, rub me, hug me when it’s cold
bought me Huggies at the store when you was hungry, we was poor so I’m

[HOOK]
Trying to say what I never got a chance to say
one more song, one more dance with me
is all I want…

x2

They say the cancer killed you, I feel like it was me
dropped out of college, started dealing all this weed
had high hopes, giving you grey hairs
I’m grown now, thing is… you ain’t here
엄마, come back please? I’m a mess
am I the reason you left? can’t come to reason with death
blew trees on our steps and you’d kiss my lips to check for weed on my breath
disappointed you over and over
but I’d see you in chemo, couldn’t go through it sober
sick to my stomach that you were sick to your stomach
아빠 misses his wife, wonder if you missing your husband
I mean I’m missing my mommy, Auntie missing her sister
Grandma missing her baby and Uncle didn’t forget you
now you probably with Grandpa, he sipping on soju
ain’t got to miss him no more, you’d be with him, I told you

[HOOK]x2

All I want is to hold you near
아빠 eating all alone ain’t fair
sometimes I sit, flipping through the photos
I feel your hand on mine, you seem so close
and I don’t want to let go
I hear you say my name and then it echoes

October 24th, 2005
your soul bound for the sky, body shut down, it retired
now, named me Daniel, supposed to be brave
but I rather fight a lion, my Mommy dying is more a cage
told me to do my best, be honest
never take nothing for granted, should feel honored
now I know what you mean, feeling emptier, only see you my dreams
I feel better when I’m asleep, so peace

[HOOK]x2